What Ifs?

Sometimes I wonder about living a different life? 

What if I hadn't gotten married?

What if I hadn't had my two kids?
What if my two other babies had survived pregnancy? Well, I'd have 4 kids! I like to say I have two kids on earth and two in heaven.

Would I be able to function?
Manage my finances?

Would I live by myself?
With friends?
With my parents? *Gasp*

Sometimes I don't think I know how to be an 'adult.' I was recently away from the town we live in - at a conference and my husband has so graciously played 'daddy day care' for a day and a half- which is hard enough to do it while at home, but super challenging to do it in a community you are unfamiliar with! While I baulk at changing diapers, making sure the little people drink and eat enough, I missed them so much. 

So much I couldn't breathe. So much- I wanted nothing more than to hold them both in my arms, even though they may not want held when I saw them again.

My big kid.

Motherhood.
It's my job. Yes, I long for that professional career- but a part of me- says - no, I don't- at least not now, while she's little.

My little one.

I love being home with my little girl, seeing her smiles and letting her be goofy. I love her zest for life- her joy of putting her hand in the snow and eating it- even though her hands will freeze and hurt in a few short moments. The next time she does that, she will forget about the pain, because the reward is so great- to feel that cold cold snow on her swelling gums. 

Maybe that's how God sees us- (putting our hand in the snow) - letting us live through the pain, because the reward is pretty great. 

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬
http://bible.com/111/jhn.14.27.niv

So even though I didn't get back to my family as quickly as I would have liked - I was with them in a short time, and we went out to eat and enjoyed ourselves! 

And maybe, just maybe - I might have income from this conference I was at. It may not be right away, or even his year. While at the conference, I did learn a lot, though. About the conference topic (farming), about my husband (he's completely capable), and about myself (I'm still shy in these settings). 

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

Do you ever think about the 'What ifs'?

p.s. Thanks to Autumn Canny of Happy Day Photos for the awesome photos of me and the kids (hubby was working).